Student Loans

No. 58 / A special edition newsletter

Welcome to Style / Substance, a weekly newsletter about personal style and confidence, the business and psychology of fashion, with features on outfit ideas, styling tips, product, and brand recommendations - all to make your life easier and to ensure you present your best self. Subscribe here, follow me on Instagram at @LauraKSawyier, + subscribe to my YouTube channel here. Thank you!

From 2009, my senior year of college.

Heads Up: This post is about a different kind of Style, and is hopefully of Substance. Not all things are meant to be broadcasted, but this is an especially personal moment that I felt compelled to share. Thanks for letting me do so.

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Yesterday I made my final payment on my student loan. A friend asked me how it felt... they shared that when they made their final payment, it was a huge relief to no longer need to pay this monthly bill and deal with the tangible and emotional weight of looming interest. I definitely felt that. But I also felt deep gratitude and pride from that time when I needed to take out the loan and how my brother showed up for me when no one else in my family did.

This is a sensitive topic, especially given the recent supreme court ruling, and I recognize that my experience differs from many others. It's also a story that brought me to tears yesterday as I hit "submit payment" one last time. It's not about fashion or styling - instead, a story about grit and perseverance - and a big part of how I got to be where I am today and how I continue to work hard for the things I want in life. It's also circumstantial.

Fifteen years ago, I was kicked out of my mother and stepfather's home (I was also estranged from my father at this time). It was the summer before my junior year of college. My mother informed me that after the upcoming fall semester, they would no longer be paying my tuition or financially supporting me. I'm extremely fortunate that my first 2 1/2 years of college were paid for without any debt, and I don't take that privilege for granted one second. The reasons why I was kicked out are not the point of this story, but here I was, my bags packed up and living in my best friend's parent's house for the summer (they're a significant part of my success in finishing my degree), waiting anxiously to return to school in Connecticut. I applied to become an RA to help supplement my housing costs and secure my living situation for the upcoming year - thankfully, that worked out.

I was panicking, though, and called my older brother, a very young military officer who had just returned from his deployment and with a wife and two small children -- I asked him to co-sign my loan. Of course, I couldn't get it without a guarantor. But I needed to present my plan to him before doing so. It was financially risky for him, too, and it was no small amount of money.

Thinking through how to mitigate as much debt as possible, I worked out adding on a heavy course load in my senior year, ensuring that I would graduate after the fall semester. Doing that would allow me to take out less debt while also (hopefully) getting into the workforce much faster and begin earning and finding a way to become financially independent and stable enough to be on my own. He agreed.

I didn't have an entirely "normal" senior year of college. It was, and it wasn't. I worked 40 hours a week at a full-time paid internship while completing 21-course credits. I didn't walk across the stage in a cap and gown to receive my diploma that next spring because I was working full-time and on the side to save enough money to move out of another friend's parent's house who graciously invited me in and provided me my own room (and so much more).

I used to resent parts of this experience. I was ashamed. I felt different. I was angry. On the surface, I looked "normal," like everything was great (maybe even perfect), but it wasn't. These feelings, thankfully, went away years ago. There weren't many options, and I appreciate that the person I was fifteen years ago had the capacity to make these decisions to move forward - I'm grateful for her today and for my brother, his wife, my friends, and their families for making me a part of theirs. Not everyone has the people, choice, or opportunity. Some people may not know what it feels like to ever make that final payment on a student loan debt. That's wild and awful, and the system is entirely unfair.

After I submitted the final payment yesterday, I wrote my brother and sister-in-law right away, thanking them for stepping up at that moment and believing in and loving me enough to say yes. And I thanked myself for 20-year-old Laura's courage to keep going, figure it out, and fight for my future self.